My editor, Iris Tupholme at HarperCollins Canada, likes my 5th draft of This Bright Darkness (working title) “very much.”
You can imagine how relieved and happy I feel.
This time, when I submitted the manuscript, I included a description — the type of thing a reader might read on the cover flap. It’s a draft, and too long, but here it is:
This Bright Darkness
When a maid’s duties include a lot more than making up the bed . . .
This Bright Darkness is a work of fiction inspired by the real life of a maid: Claude des Oeillets. The daughter of itinerant actors and therefore impoverished and socially scorned, she nevertheless rises to become the confidential attendant to the most powerful woman in the 17th century French court of the Sun King: Madame de Montespan, mistress of the charismatic king. However, in Claude’s so-called “respectable” position, she is required to obtain love potions and other magical charms as well as occasionally satisfy the king’s sexual needs (thereby bearing him a daughter).
Claude’s life is like an ever-revolving stage set: in the First Act, she’s the starving child of a family of caravan players, devoted to tending her beloved “half-wit” baby brother; in the Second, she’s with the greats of French theatre — Pierre Corneille, Molière, Racine — witnessing her mother’s amazing rise to stardom in the fantastical (but cut-throat) world of the 17th century French stage; in the Third, she’s front and center in the dazzling world of the charismatic Sun King.
Insinuating herself throughout the worlds of both the theatre and Court is the witch Catherine Voisin, sometimes benevolent and kind, but ultimately ruthless, a woman willing to sacrifice innocent lives in order to satisfy the corrupt desires of her wealthy clients. A woman who ultimately pays for her sins on the pyre — but not without exposing the rot at the heart of these glittering worlds.
Claude rises from poverty to a position of power and influence because she is loyal and can be trusted, a vow she made as a teen to her father — but as the mercurial Montespan becomes ever more desperate to hold onto the King’s sexual favor, innocent love charms move into the realm of deadly Black Magic, and Claude must choose between betraying a trust or doing the right thing — an act which will put her own life at risk, as well as the lives of those she loves dearest.
What do you think? Edits welcome!
This sounds AMAZING! I am beyond excited to read it, as I have just reread (for the fourth time) “Mistress of the Sun,” one of my favorite books, and read for the first time “The Last Great Dance on Earth” after devouring the first two Josephine B. books. Congratulations!
Thank you SO much, Alla! You’ve read Mistress of the Sun four times! That pleases me very, very much. Thank you again for writing. x0
Simply put , “I can’t wait!” Hopefully it will be out before next Christmas, would make my shopping exciting and carefree!! who doesn’t love a great book!
Best Wishes, Kelly W.
Thank you so much, Kelly! It WOULD be great if it were out before next Christmas. Fingers crossed!
Congrats and thanks for the update!! :)
You’re welcome, Elisa!!!
Thank you, Patti!
I just “knew” your editor would be more than happy with the latest draft! Now we, your devoted readers, will just have to remain patient while you continue to work your magic.
??? Thank you for your steadfast encouragement and support, Leslie. It means a lot.
Hi Sandra,
I haven’t posted anything for a month or two because I’ve been so busy at school. I can’t tell you what a pleasant surprise it was, after finishing all of my finals Friday, to check your website and find this wonderful recent post! Maybe I’m going through term-paper withdrawal or something, but your cover-flap description inspired a lot of thoughts, so bear with me!
I thought most of the tease worked flawlessly, although the first sentence is the real jewel. I hope you don’t take this the wrong way, as I know you’re aspiring to good literature as much as good entertainment, but “When a maid’s duties include a lot more than making up the bed,” along with many of the summary passages that follow, make “This Bright Darkness” sound like just about the most “fun” novel you’ve written, which I’m sure is music to dear Iris’ ears.
Having come late to the suggestions party, my comments address not only your cover-flap description but some of the preceding comments made by your loyal fans.
I agree with Margaret on a number of her technical suggestions. “Sexual favor” has an incorrect ring to it, since nobody, including you, thinks that La Montespan was in that relationship for the sex(!), which is almost what that sentence implies.
And the double use of the word “charismatic” is an obvious mistake, but I don’t object, as it appears Margaret does, on using the word a single time: In his youth, and under Athenais’ glamorous influence, Louis XIV was regarded as quite charismatic — even more so, arguably, than Napoleon.
In response to some of the other comments, I must be more surly: Llegault’s assertion that Mme de Montespan’s life has received too much attention from novelists is, I believe, untrue relative to other high-profile historical figures. Just think of how much more pulp gets expended, each and every season, on various English kings and their romantic partners. And have the novelists who’ve written about Athenais really done justice to contemporary accounts of her personality, her style, her wit? In other words, I think there’s still a lot of untapped scene-stealing potential here, and I’m sure you’ll give it a great effort. (I do agree with Llegault on one point: Portraying Athenais through Claude’s eyes, rather than going about the thankless task of getting into the marquise’s feverish brain, was the right way to go.)
And as long as you’re giving Athenais a major role in the novel, I also think it’s perfectly okay to portray her as a dabbler in Black Magic, regardless of what today’s historians believe. This is, after all, fiction. As a literary artist, your allegiance is to Calliope, not Antonia Fraser!
Speaking of Black Magic, I think the way you introduce La Voisin is outstanding. Given that the witch’s influence can be felt in milieu as diverse as the theater, the court and, well, the gutter, mentioning her immediately after your description of Claude’s eclectic life and improbable ascent makes total sense. In a weirdly unintended way, La Voisin is almost Claude’s doppelganger — a figure who likewise manages to traverse the “highest” and “lowest” environments, her distant footsteps haunting Claude at every turn. The character’s intro flowed beautifully for me. Not abrupt at all.
In fact, just about everything in the first three paragraphs is amazing. The last paragraph, in my opinion, is the only one with real problems. Here are some of my thoughts:
What was the vow Claude made to her father? To be loyal? To whom? To him? To powerful people? If it’s the former, it doesn’t really have much to do with her rise to power described in that sentence, and if it’s the latter, that seems like a strange vow for a girl to take, and it might not immediately make sense to readers without more information.
Also, to avoid sentence-construction problems, perhaps the paragraph should be broken up. The “vow” part might work better as its own sentence, ending with “…to her father.” You could then begin the new sentence with “But as the mercurial Montespan…” Otherwise, the paragraph’s two long dashes seem to indicate that “a vow she made as a teen to her father” is an idea that reconnects with “an act which will put her own life at risk…”, which is clearly not the case.
As for the part within the dashes: “Innocent love charms move into the realm of deadly Black Magic…” is somewhat passively written. I understand that you don’t want to give everything away, but the sentence might be more tantalizing if it implicated La Voisin, Athenais and the protagonist herself more directly. As it reads now, “Black Magic” — already an amorphous term that might be replaced with something more evocative, like “child sacrifices” — just sort of happens, rather than being a transgression that’s committed by someone in particular. By not implicating who’s involved, you’re entirely relying upon readers to remember the reference to “love potions” from three paragraphs ago, which, in the age of short-attention spans, might be too charitable.
As far as the tentative title, I grow more fond of it as time passes and I contemplate its metaphorical richness. After all, “This Bright Darkness,” a phrase I’d never heard before, brilliantly sums up what it’s like onstage, as a performer: You are illuminated, yet everything “out there” — in the audience, the real world, outside the realm of fantasy — is darkness. And in the world of Louis XIV’s court, that dichotomy certainly exists as well, with the glittering “onstage” goings-on contrasting with murkier, more mysterious plottings and intrigues. Thus, the title beautifully connects the two worlds the novel occupies. In that sense, it’s an artistic home run. On the other hand, did a metaphorically rich title ever sell a book? That’s no doubt something you’ll need discuss with Iris. :)
Great work so far, Sandra. Keep it up!
Jordan
Jordan
Jordan, what a critique!!! Thank you so much! All points well taken.
I love your metaphorical interpretation of “This Bright Darkness.” It’s a phrase from one of Corneille’s lines in The Cid, and for me it hints at more of a emotional complexity, but I like your more tangible take on it very, very much!
Sounds great!
Gillian, thank you! As you can imagine, the subject required an enormous amount of research into 17th century theatre — such a pleasure.
Congratulations Sandra. Looking forward to it. When do you get back to the wilds of Ontario? Doyne
Thanks Doyne! We return just before the black flies. Wouldn’t want to miss them!
There is nothing wrong with any of it. Absolutely nothing. We cannot second guess or suggest to the master. I would like to see you tackle Marie Antoinette – really get to the heart of her the way you did Josephine. I was at Versailles recently and it is startling to realize all that she did after Louis XIV with design, taste and ornamentation. I, too, wish there was more and more and more of Napoleon and Josephine to bring forth. Thank you for writing sure insightful fiction. Nancy Russell
Thank you, Nancy! I feel I may have answered your note, but if I didn’t: here’s what I said:
It’s kind of you to suggest Marie Antoinette as a subject, but, curiously, I’ve never been drawn to her as a subject, perhaps because she was born to be a queen. I seem drawn to heroines to whom Court is a foreign world.
Also, there are a number of good novels being written about MA now. I highly recommend Becoming Marie Antoinette by Juliet Grey, for example.
That said, Josephine is more and more in my mind these days. Perhaps I might return to her world.
can’t wait!
Thank you, Jackie! But wait, you must, I’m afraid: books are slow to birth!
I love the description and think the life Mlle des Oeillets is a wonderful way to touch upon a subject that has received too much attention – the life of Mme de Montespan – while allowing you a broader canvas than court life would have given you, as well.
I must warn you that you will probably get a thumping from the historians, though. Unless things have changed in the last 5 years, there’s a strong and vocal coterie of the pros who insist that all early modern *witchcraft* rumours were *always* without foundation, being a compound of political infighting and hysteria. (I don’t agree with this myself and in fact think they misunderstand and misread the situation at the French Court.) But no doubt you are aware of this already…
That’s interesting! The thesis of my novel is that it was mainly political infighting, but that also truly dire things were being done. It’s a fascinating episode in French history.
Love it! Can’t wait to read the book.
Thank you, Linda! I have to say that I myself am very much looking forward to seeing an actual book.
I love the title–no suggestions on the book description but I’m so glad for you that your editor is happy.
Thank you, Lilian!
I love the title, too, and it fits the story well. A few readers — readers whom I respect very much — felt strongly that the title was too suggestive of a romance. I’ll be curious to find out what Iris thinks.
If Iris hadn’t liked the draft “very much,” then some of us would have had words with her about recognizing really good writing and an exceptional plot when it falls into her lap.
As far as edits go…you know I adore to do this! I agree about the Voisin paragraph, but that’s an easy fix.Instead of beginning it as you do, say something to the effect that Voisin plays a significant role in the second and third acts of Claude’s life, nearly changing her story into a tragedy through her potions which evolve from innocent to deadly. OK, that’s over the top, but use the frame you created for Claude to include this person.
What sort of attendant was Claude? If she was more than a maid, I’d say so, or use the closest English equivalent to the French term. As you know there were absolute ranks of attendants.
I’d also delete the quotes for half-wit and the so-called respectable position. In the first instance it simply seems odd, and in the second, if you use so-called, then you don’t need the quotes.
L14 is referred to as charismatic twice. Great guy, I’m sure, but not as much as Napoleon!. Sorry, I can’t get out of that era, try as I might.
Not sure what the vow Claude made to her father is about unless she promised always to be loyal and trustworthy, Good point, but it needs clarification.
Question: was Montespan desperate to hold onto the king’s sexual interest–sounds better than favor, I think–or to her position at court, including the sex?
Can’t wait to read more, but I know your publisher moves at a snail’s pace!
Margaret, thank you! All points well taken.
I hate that I used charismatic twice! I respect Louis, but he’s much harder to cozy up to than Napoleon, who is so much more transparent.
Have you read the new biography of Lucien?
Looks great! Good luck!
Thank you, Yvonne!
First off, congratulations on the news that Iris likes the 5th draft ‘VERY MUCH’. In your world, those words mean champagne time. In fact, it makes ME feel like drinking champagne too.
As for your description? Well, that just feels like a super tease. And now we have to wait, wait, wait until we can actually read it.
I loved how you laid out the description of Claude’s life in the Three Acts.
For me the paragraph on Catherine Voisin did not weave in with the flow of the rest of your description. It just seemed ‘there’. Perhaps I need to read it again to pick up on the connection.
The other things are very small.
I think I would leave out ‘a maid’ in “fiction inspired by the real life of a maid: Claude des Oeillets.” and have it read “fiction inspired by the real life of Claude des Oeillets.” It is a quibble perhaps but her maid life is not her whole life and your description suggests that you will be giving the reader more than her maid life.
The other little quibble was with the sentence “However, in Claude’s so-called “respectable” position, she is required to obtain love potions and other magical charms as well as…” I had the impression that the obtaining of the love potions and other magical charms were not her main responsibilities (although more intriguing!) and wondered if the sentence needed an “in addition to [some sort of description]” and then the “also” lead in. “However, in Claude’s so-called “respectable” position, in addition to [some sort of description], she is also required to obtain love potions and other magical charms as well as…”
It feels a bit nutty to be helping with editing for someone so articulate as you, Ms. Words Flow Like Poetry In Motion. Especially since I really know next to nothing about the book. Hope it helps in some small way.
Now time to find those champagne flutes…..
Awesome edit!!! Thank you so much, Anne!
Wow this looks great, I’m excited to read it!! Good work Sandra
xox
Thank you, Agnes!
I would probably cut the third paragraph. But, really, I’m hooked already. And I’m not typically a reader of historical fiction. There’s enough here to reel me in, though.
Thank you, David. Shorter is often better. I’m so glad you’re hooked!